I don't recall a time that I ever thought, "I can't do this on my own." That was one barrier that I didn't have to overcome. I've done so much on my own my whole life. I grew up fast, I worked hard, and I took care of myself. So when I was pregnant, when I had Mia, and once we brought her home, doing it myself was ok. It was actually something I wanted in most cases - to be in control. To do it my way so I was confident it was "right."
Looking back, I realize that was because I didn't trust that he could take care of her from the start. I remember even in the recovery room an hour after delivery, I felt myself shaking uncontrollably - chilled to the core - from the epidural. But I didn't want to give Mia to him. I kept imagining he was going to drop her. So I called the nurse with that big red button - I clicked it over and over. It was all I could do to hold it together until she came. This nameless nurse whom I'd never met, but chose to trust.
When it all fell down a couple years later, I was fully capable of being independent. Of getting a whole hell of a lot done, and done efficiently. I found that it felt really good to do it myself. All of it. I went into auto-pilot and never turned it off. I could have Mia 100% of the time, take care of everything financially, maintain a good job, take care of the new house, run all the errands, make all the meals, save for the future... by my damn self. I found pride in feeling strong, feeling capable. I depended on me.
There's a tension there now though. Between being independent and being defensive. Between wanting to do it myself and feeling self-constructed walls build up around me. I'm getting almost too comfortable with the quiet. The loneliness has become muffled, blending in with the tick tock of the clock on the wall when everything else is silent. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to go back, ever be able to truly rely on someone else, ever trust enough to compromise our current set-up to take a chance and lean into another possibility.
This internal battle doesn't have a winner or a loser. It will cease once I find the freedom to let go of control, the thing I've fought to maintain for so long. Any positive outcome will be due to a culmination of many of the things I've discussed thus far - believing people when they show you they are truly GOOD inside, allowing myself to trust those who keep showing up for me, and having another moment of strength to seize the second chance I know I deserve.
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