It took 10 years to fully lose myself. From the very first conversation, unbeknownst to me, the first chip fell. Over the course of our tumultuous relationship, I completely lost who I was. Whatever was inside me before - gone. I was a shell, voided to the core. The darkness surrounding me had stripped away my smile and hollowed my soul. My eyes were empty, providing nothing more than a blank stare. The only thing that mattered to me was my daughter. She saved me.
The decision was made that November night, and that was the first step of regaining control of my life. Of getting Mia and I to higher ground. Each step I took to move the process along, each day I didn't waver, I picked up tiny pieces of me off the ground and slowly started putting myself back together. Each piece reminded me of who I was before, who I wanted to get back to, and who I wanted to become.
Over the next few years, I leaned hard on my friends, my family, my counselor, my doctor. I cherished the small army I had backing me up and cheering me on, sometimes staying on the phone with me for hours day after day allowing me to rehash and get it out. Giving me the space to process the process as I needed to do in my own way.
I also learned just how much I could rely on myself - trust in my gut and in my decisions. I found empowerment in my independence. I was able to fully embrace this new identity of strength and find my voice again. I was able to provide myself outlets for self-care to regain my confidence and avenues to uncover my self-worth. To prove to myself that I'm a good mom - and I'm also so much more than "Mia's mom."
I gave myself time and grace. It took me years to allow another man to touch me, even hold my hand, without feeling myself tense up. But that was okay. It was okay to give myself the space I needed to heal. I cautiously filled in the empty spaces and grew whole again. I slowly found my way back to me - on my own - with my sassy little sidekick.
I was able to replace the hollowness with happiness and rediscover what it feels like to genuinely smile again. To feel a sense of warmth in my heart. To feel like me... but better.
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