I didn't take any time away from work to manage the madness. Not when he was in the thick of his crazy and I was getting 5 calls a night at all hours - from God knows where when he was with God knows who - spewing unintelligible hysteria on the other end on the phone. Not when he was hospitalized in another state from a drug overdose when I didn't even know he was leaving town. Not when I could barely make it through the work day, crawling out of my skin at the unknown of what that evening held for me when I returned to the house. Not when I made the divorce decision and then crammed hundreds of critical to-dos into a few weeks to protect my savings, prepare for every legal possibility, and most of all to ensure I got full custody of Mia in every way. So every day at work, during that time, I was not my best self. Far from it. I had to leave meetings to breakdown in the bathroom. I had to take phone calls to keep plans moving. I had to try so damn hard to keep the balls in the air to not completely fail in what I owed my boss and my team. Every day I was carrying all this insanity with my whole being, while trying to paint a mask on and keep it together to maintain my livelihood.
I am ever so grateful for the manager I had at the time, for the team I had during those years... they didn't know exactly what I was going through. If at all. But they knew it was something way more serious that whatever we were doing. And they GAVE ME GRACE. They led with kindness. They gave me the benefit of the doubt. It was those women, who don't even know the extent of what they gave me or how much I appreciated it - then and now - that gave me this insight.
You truly never know what someone is going through. Even if you know they're going through something - you surely don't know the extent. Everyone has their shit. Give people grace. The benefit of the doubt. Assume good intent. Always. Our careers are important, but they are not life. They are not happiness. We work to live - not the other way around. Generally, whatever it is at work that feels like a catastrophe or like the building is on fire... it's just not that serious. Don't make people feel like their life, their jobs depend on these work things going perfectly every time. Sure, it feels great to be killing it in your professional life. And for your leadership team to recognize your results. But when you're not at your best because life happened and other issues, circumstances and people are so much more important in the big picture, give YOURSELF grace. Let go of the drive towards perfection. Be kind to yourself. And be the example at your place of work that prioritizing that way is ok. It's the right way. Make your team and your coworkers feel like they, as people, matter. That their lives and all the hardships they go through that we know nothing about - that those are what actually need their energy. That you got them, you can back them up, you can lean in and support while they deal with the real stuff. They or someone else in your career path will hopefully do the same for you when you need it. Be the one to start the trend. Kindness is so in.
So many managers and leaders should read this!