It seems so obvious... Do things for the right reasons. And make sure you have the information you really need to decide. I did not even come close. Looking back, it seems like I planned on building a marriage based on laughing at the same sarcastic jokes and playing euchre. I didn't dig nearly deep enough nor did I ask the right questions. Do our values align? How do we approach making financial decisions? Are our expectations clear and priorities similar? I chose to not see the red flags as he threw them. The whole damn floor was covered, yet I decided to keep marching straight ahead for all the wrong reasons.
A couple things that quickly became big issues were his dishonesty (and no morale compass telling him it was wrong to lie) and his inability to keep his word. It started off small. He'd make plans and then not want to keep them so he'd say he was sick. This showed me that he was completely comfortable lying to our friends and family AND not doing what he said he was going to do ("show up.") This made me very uncomfortable - I felt as if I needed to have his back (or be ready for another explosion), but the lying felt so wrong AND I wanted to do what we planned. I had the information from the beginning, but I didn't use it. I went along just to avoid a fight, not acknowledging the fact that this was the wrong reason... with the wrong man in the first place.
To get the information you need to make the right decision for the right reasons, you have to... wait for it... TALK. Like really talk. You have to initiate, be open to, and push through the difficult conversations. You have to be able to provide and take constructive criticism. You also have to observe - does what they say match what they do. You have to know what your dealbreakers are - and have the awareness to cut your losses. Doing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons does not magically cancel out to equal any sort of right.
Comments