We had happy times, of course. There was always his crazy side, but once we were married August 12, 2011, we had a solid 5 years of being happy enough. There were times of disconnect, disagreement and disappointment, but we balanced it out by laughing through lighthearted days without much responsibility yet. I believe that's what broke him - when Mia came along in May 2016 and suddenly he felt the weight of real life responsibility. He could no longer pretend to be who he thought I wanted him to be - a stable partner and father. He wanted to post pictures and come across as father of the year, but he didn't understand what being a father really required. By the time Mia was 1 year old in the summer of 2017, he was completely unraveling. Mental illness, addiction, personal demons and weakness at his core all intertwined. Our life was all falling down.
Excerpts from my diary entries from March 2018 take me back to that collapse of life as I knew it.
"I don't understand what happened to me, my husband, our relationship. It doesn't seem like he cares about me - I feel so unloved. He's depressed but unwilling to help himself. I need so much more - where did my partner go? My friend? He's a stranger to me. I sit alone in a dark quiet room. An empty house that should be so full of love and happiness with my sweet angel baby. When he doesn't come home, I feel relief. I've started accepting that, without him making major changes, starting with the drinking, it really may end. Soon. I fear that we are too far gone. I fear that he's too deep into a depressed, alcohol-infused, insecure black hole. I feel our happy times slipping further away. It breaks my heart to a level of sadness I wish I didn't know. I feel myself mourn. To let it all fall apart feels like the worst pain imaginable. I guess that's called heartbreak.
God, help me. Give me strength. Give him strength. To fight. To love harder. To grow and step up. God, give us happiness, and forgiveness, and true, deep, trusting love. That is more than enough."
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