I had a moment of strength that November night, and I didn't look back. I gave myself a day or two to process the decision with my family, but I knew it was right. So I got to work. But that moment of strength led to the necessity for so so many more. To act fast, to make big decisions, to line up resources, to hash through countless excruciating details. And to make sure I did the single most important thing - protect Mia.
The reason I knew in my heart that this was the absolute mandatory next step is this:
I had tried and done everything I could to get him help, to hold the family together and to make it work. To endure the hardest of times in hopes for a brighter future. If I was going to lose everything, at least I could know in the depths of my soul that I tried. There was nothing more I could do. So I could live with this decision.
I accepted that you can't help someone who isn't ready to accept help or help themselves. Someone who hasn't taken accountability. Someone who isn't ready to face the truth or do the hard work to get to higher ground. You can't do it for them. He was nowhere near ready to help himself then, and over 5 years later, he still isn't.
Over the first few years after the divorce though, he still had so much power over my mental and emotional state. I was still falling into the manipulation of what he said he could do - threats like getting lawyers involved, even though he never did that himself the first time. I knew every syllable he muttered was a lie, and that he didn't have the capacity or the funds to follow through with anything. But the "what ifs" haunted me - centered solely on keeping Mia safe and healthy. Maintaining full custody and decision rights. Keeping her with me 100% of the time - in a stable home that was consistent, reliable and loving.
Then one day 2-3 years ago, I'm not sure what it was, but something clicked. I was standing in my kitchen arguing with him on the phone. He had by this point been in and out of jail... in and out of the hospital... nearly died several times. There were drugs, alcohol, violence, deceit and thugs ruling his life. And this is just what I knew. He was hassling me about Mia, threatened with lawyers, and I finally called his bluff. Cut the bullshit. Go for it. I fucking dare you.
It was that day that I took back control. Ceased to give the manipulative patterns any more power. Refused to let the same substance-less mind tricks make me question what I knew in my gut. My moments of strength led me here - to a completely changed mindset indefinitely.
I'm not saying his words and actions don't affect me anymore, but it's in a much different way. I do pray that one day he demonstrates that he can get healthy and build a positive relationship with Mia. Until then though, I can't fall for his outbursts, fabricated stories or attempts at nostalgia. They always quickly turn into irrational and cruel clap-backs, dramatic exits, or worse... another dangerous decision that gets him into serious trouble... again. I know the pattern all too well. Every time he displays this behavior it reassures me - I'm doing the right thing. Error on the side of caution. Every. Single. Time.
Finding your first moment of strength will lead to so much more. It will lead to finding someone inside you who you didn't know existed. It might morph over time, but these moments of strength can unlock a whole new life - one that you control. On your own terms. For way longer than a moment.
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