Grief comes from unexpected places during times of loss. Losing my house was the hardest loss for me. One I grieve still to this day. Not the materialistic part as much (but yes, I admit I enjoyed living in a high-quality custom home), but more so what that house symbolized. All my years of hard work, of planning, of saving. Of the devoted family I planned to build there, the dream of more children. The house represented the foundation - the launching pad for the life I had always imagined I could build. Decades of daydreams that became a fake reality, built on flimsy sticks instead of solid bricks, that were stripped from me in an instant. Everything I had worked so hard to create came crashing down. The weight of that grief still hangs over me, as I'm still healing. Still moving forward.
My diary entry from April 10, 2019:
"So much has happened in 5 of the longest, fastest, scariest, most painful months. But this week marks an ending. I have just 3 nights left in my house. It doesn't feel quite like home anymore already. Bare. Empty. Sad. I feel such a loss. A step back. But also a relief. A freedom. An opportunity for a fresh start. I keep trying to really take it in - all the rooms, sounds, memories. All the nights I rocked Mia to sleep in her beautiful pink room with the silver stenciled wall and the sound of Norah Jones against soft ocean waves. All the meals prepped on my favorite part of the house - that huge, inviting kitchen island that served as the center for so many gatherings. The walks around the playground looking at the back patio... but then feeling the sadness I felt so many times there, too. So many times I took Mia out to play - alone. Feeling angry and empty that he chose to be somewhere else without us. It's those sad memories that confirm to me that this move is right. That this house isn't where I should stay. Go. Take Mia to find happiness - that's not tainted and clouded and forced. I LOVE this house. It was a good, beautiful home to bring Mia into this world. Until it wasn't. I'm not sure what happened or when exactly, but somehow it did.
Now it's time to move - move on, move out, move up, move forward. Head up. Eyes straight. The silence here became deafening. I am determined to get my dream back. Build my next dream home - with the man of my dreams. Have another baby. Know the feeling of true love for the first time in my life, besides my precious girl. It's my time. This is all what I need to do for Mia and me. And I fucking did it. By myself. With my unbelievable support system. I did it all. I feel so strong. So proud of myself. I maintained my integrity. Did it my way. I can't believe it's actually here. The end of this daily nightmare. The start of a new beginning. A very clear, tangible first day of the rest of my life.
Thank you, God, for giving me the strength, the support, the people, the power that I needed. I'm in awe of all that's happened. I will not make the same mistakes again. I will be a good role model for Mia - on demanding that high expectations be met. To never sacrifice who you are. Don't be half of yourself because someone can't handle all of you. Be a fighter.
I'm so sad to lose my home, but so grateful to gain a second chance at a life of love. True, genuine, unconditional, fearless love."
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