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#2: The meaning behind "A Moment of Strength"

Updated: Feb 14, 2024


The first weekend in June of 2017, I made last minute dinner plans with my 3 best friends. It was the weekend after my 34th birthday (and Mia's 1st birthday), and I needed to talk. I was depressed - and lost... yet I felt trapped. My marriage was transitioning from unhappy, volatile and manipulative to something I never saw coming... but looking back, I know I could feel it. I sat there on the outdoor patio of this rustic wine shop and said to my girlfriends, "I'm miserable. And I don't think I'll ever leave." I thought I had to stay to give Mia the best home, an unbroken one. Little did I know how broken it was - and how shattered I would let myself become before I found the strength.


Over the next year and a half, I sunk into the depths of depression - living only to care for and find joy in my baby girl. I lost 20lbs, hair by the handful... and my smile. I lived in my dream house that we built from a blank piece of paper with an architect and a top-notch builder. I made sure to incorporate all the little extras I could to make it mine. During these wasted years, I found these custom walls were becoming so hollow. The life I had planned and envisioned was slipping away. Who was he? What the hell happened? How could he treat me... us... like this? How many drinks had he had so far today? Why are there so many lies? How do I keep us safe? What and who was I going to get from him this time... it changed by the second... But I kept trying to fix it, to get him help, to glue us back together. Not because I was in love, but because I was scared of losing the possibility of the dream I had for a family... in that dream house.


November 9, 2018: We knew we needed to talk. He was different that night. He was normally impossible to talk to for more than 30 seconds without an explosion, but he was calmer and clearer than I'd seen him in years. He told me we needed to get divorced. That he needed to get away from us to stop hurting us. That he knew he was very ill, and he wasn't sure if he'd ever get better... but if he did, "it will be in 10 years." I knew he was right, I cried and asked him not to do this. While I knew it was what HAD to happen, for some reason I needed him to make the first move. He had a fleeting moment of clarity, and I then empowered myself to have what my best friend starting calling "my moment of strength." And I never looked back.


******************************************************************************************** A Moment of Strength (AMOS) meaning: strong, carried, brave.

Hebrew meaning: To carry; Borne by God.

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